Essay
6:25 pm
Fri March 14, 2014

ESSAY: Badgerland Gets a King - At Least According to This Man

Essayist Joel Habush says as king, he'll make all decisions for Wisconsinites.
Essayist Joel Habush says as king, he'll make all decisions for Wisconsinites.
Credit Jason Train/Flickr

Royal Proclamation: As King of Wisconsin, I Hereby Decree...

Wait, let me interrupt myself—you may be asking, “Hey how’s come you get to be King of Wisconsin?"

Good question. I may dub you “Lord High Question Asker.”

Briefly, my meteoric rise to the throne came about because the electorate had become thoroughly disgusted, disillusioned, and yes, virtually disenfranchised by the rancor, vitriol, mean spiritedness and divisiveness of Wisconsin politics.

Well, a number of right thinking people representing all hues of the political spectrum and all corners of the state got together to correct the situation.

The end result? While you were sleeping, so to speak, I became King of Wisconsin.

Exactly why Wisconsin got a King is partly your fault. Remember these two great historical quotes addressing this very issue:

I. Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom.

II. You snooze, you lose.

My first Royal Act was to have Wisconsin secede from the United States. Texas talks about it. Well, Texas talks about a lot of things—Wisconsin acts. I also Stateized the Wisconsin National Guard.

Next, I appointed ambassadors to Illinois, Minnesota, and Iowa. Also, while Wisconsin is a peaceful country, I am prepared to declare war on Michigan if they don’t accede to my demands that the UP become part of Wisconsin.

Oh it’s all legal. The Wisconsin Supreme Court Justices, in a rare unanimous ruling, after a not so rare bench-clearing brawl, said it “was about damn time.”

It was a bloodless coup, and it was a long time coming. There were certain things about Wisconsin that had to be fixed. And who better than a King to get things going?

The people of Badgerland never liked dictators, but we, like the rest of America, have always loved the Nobility and absolutely swooned over Royalty. Look at the magazine covers at the supermarket checkout lanes—count how many of them have pictures splashed on of Prince William, Princess Kate, The Royal Urchin, and Queen Latifah. Historically, in our former country, we have always bowed down to the likes of Count Basie, the Artist formerly known as Prince, Baron von Raschke, and the Duke of Earl.

Think of all the money that was wasted on elections of all kinds. Why you couldn’t run for Founders Day Queen in Onalaska without attracting huge expenditures from Super PACs.

So, instead your beloved Monarch - that’s me (or I...or actually the Royal “We") - will make all bothersome decisions for my beloved subjects - that’s you. All decisions are based on the irrefutable reason of “Because I said so.”

I shall also end the schism between our two most important cities by spending the Spring my Madison Palace, and the Fall in my Milwaukee duplex. What about the rest of the year? Like everyone else here I’ll go up North to my lake cottage for the Summer and spend the Winter in Florida. Naples.

Not bad, hey? You’d probably vote for me if you could, but you can’t. Can’t vote against me either. Make no mistake about it, I am King of Wisconsin.

Soon you will receive a Royal Invitation (actually. a Command Appearance) to be one of the fortunate throng rejoicing amidst the pomp and circumstance of my upcoming Official Coronation Ceremony. My state artisans are putting the finishing touches on the Royal Headpiece, fashioned out of Cheesehead-style foam rubber. This will be my “Crowning Achievement.”

You may now begin bowing and scraping out backwards. See you at my Coronation.

Oh, don’t forget, I’m registered at Woodman’s and Menards.

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